On How To Talk to a Grieving Person
Below you’ll find our most recent guest post from Drew Difonzo Marks, a celebrated comedian turned grief specialist, when Drew had to learn how to process (and grieve) many multiple losses. Drew is passionate about helping others navigate loss and come to better understand how to manage the unique pain that is grief. Read on for more insights from Drew about how to support and talk to a loved one who is grieving.
You can also check out Drew’s last post about managing the grief of pet loss here.
Why Supporting a Grieving Friend Is So Hard
“Oh no - somebody I love is grieving, and I don’t know what to say to them.”
This is common. We’re not taught how to do this. The cultural script here is pretty flimsy, and our own discomfort with death gets in the way too.
What Not to Say to a Grieving Person
“I don’t want to just say the cliche ‘My Condolences’, or ‘Sorry for Your Loss’…So I’ll go above and beyond. I’ll text them directly and say:
“If there’s anything you need, just let me know”
Sadly, this phrase is not as helpful as you think.
“Let Me Know If You Need Anything” Sounds Nice, But…
“What? How is this bad? I’m literally offering them ANYTHING. What could be more helpful?”
I’ve said it myself in the past too. We tell ourselves “OK, whew. I said the best ‘grief thing’ I could. My friend duties are covered. The ball is in their court now. Ive done everything I can”.
Not true.
This saying is intended as a kind offer, but it’s actually a task for them to do. Two actually.
It’s asking them to do these two things:
Come up with what they would need by themselves.
Reach out to you about it.
What Grieving People Are Actually Dealing With
Here’s a little known secret you should know about grieving people: They are BUSY.
They are: Organizing memorials, Notifying friends and relatives about the death, Retrieving death certificates, Dealing with wills, or, LACK of wills, Going through their loved one’s clothes, Proving to Credit Card companies they are actually dead, Cancelling phone bills, Adjusting to new routines with pets, jobs, & kids….
The Emotional & Practical Overload of grieving
And NONE of this is to speak of the time spent emotionally grieving: crying, screaming, being numb…
Or, the energy it takes to mask and hide these feelings from others.
All of this takes an enormous amount of time and energy. They are fully booked.
Think of the last time you were upset. Did you effortlessly call somebody and say “Hi, I’m sad, I need you to do ____?” . Or was it immensely more helpful when a friend reached out to you with something you didn’t even know you needed, but did.
What to Say (and Do) Instead
Many traditions around death are designed for friends and loved one’s to volunteer support, while the griever is to do as little as possible. Sitting Shiva in the Jewish faith, or even modern day Meal Train websites are great examples. Whether it's food, or chores, they’re a group of loved ones coming forward to say “We see you. We’ll take care of these little things. We know your heart is broken. We are reaching for you. We’ll be here when you’re ready”.
Show Up Without Waiting for an Ask
Something precious has been forcibly taken from their life. Try to add something. It doesn’t need to be grandiose, just your presence is often so much.
They are thinking about their person who died. Their life has been forever torn. And they don’t know how to handle this any better than you do.
The best way to talk to a grieving person, is to listen to them.
Featured guest blogger & grief counselor:
Hi! I’m Drew DiFonzo Marks. I spent 20 years in LA working full time in comedy, and then my life was knocked upside-down by grief from multiple deaths, simultaneously. After the years it took me to get back on my feet I wanted to learn more about grief; so that I could help others process this unique pain.
I got a masters degree in ‘Trauma Studies’ from NorthCentral University. I was trained by Our House Grief Support Center where I currently run groups of grieving adults who recently lost a loved one. Then I became a Certified Grief Counselor via the American Academy of Grief Counseling / American Institute of Health Care Professionals.
Most recently I became certified in the specialty of Pet Loss Grief.
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