On Intentionally Avoiding
I’m not sure where the narrative began that avoidance and disconnecting from yourself is a bad thing. I mean, if all you are doing is avoiding life and you don’t even realize when you are doing it…yea that will likely result in some other life challenges. For myself, I actually really enjoy taking a break from my deeper thoughts and momentarily jumping out of my emotions. Intentional avoidance and distraction help us to move further away from a feeling that is daunting or overwhelming - knowing that we will process those feelings later.
Sometimes, we need to do this to re-group or rest up before we can actually allow ourselves to feel the entirety of a situation. Our bodies and minds can tolerate so much, and sometimes we just need a break. I’ve often heard people describe reading as a way to escape, but It’s just not something that feels relaxing or interesting to me. I find movies and documentaries to be the best way to get out of my head and immerse myself in another world. The time frame of a film also helps me to give myself permission to avoid it for a set amount of time (an hour or much more) and then return to the problem/emotion/task that I was hesitant to dive into. Take a look at some of my suggestions when being intentional about avoidance.
How much time to do you have?
The goal here is to work with what you have and not expect avoidance to leave you feeling 100% better. Believe me, there are whole days where I want to snuggle up under a cozy blanket and avoid the greater world but I genuinely know that this would not serve me. Typically, I don't prefer to use intentional avoidance in smaller increments of time because it doesn't allow me the time to really lean into disconnecting. Instead, I can carve out 1-2 hours in a week to watch a fantasy/sci-fi movie and really allow myself the time I need to rest.
What type of disconnect do I want?
If I want to jump into another world and disconnect from myself, I will likely pick a sci-fi or fantasy movie where the characters are tackling problems that I wouldn't typically encounter in my life. Cartoons and animated series or films do a really great job of creating a different world that is unlike the one we live in. Watching a movie in a language I don't understand can also pull you into a different world and offer another layer of distraction by directing your attention to reading the subtitles.
Is there a way to elevate the mood?
Sometimes a simple candle, incense, snack, or beverage can help me relax and increase the level of intentionality I am approaching myself with. If all I have is an hour or two to lean into escapism…let me take full advantage of that time. Maybe you can silence your phone for a short period of time knowing that the worries of the world will be there when you are ready.
Now what?
Now that you have embraced your free will and permitted yourself to escape your feelings for a moment, it’s time to reconnect. I find that stretching or moving my body helps me to reconnect slowly with my body and allows me to locate the feelings I have intentionally avoided. I might even call a friend for support or a pep talk to encourage me to tackle whatever has been occupying my mind.
If anything, remember to be gentle with yourself, and don't forget to reconnect with yourself. Avoidance can be a supportive and helpful tool when used with intention. Allow yourself the time that you need and listen to your emotional gut when it is telling you to slow down or move out of a feeling. We all need a break from this wild world sometimes and if we don’t give it to ourselves, no one else will.
Dani Marrufo is Latinx, lesbian woman who is passionate about supporting Latinx, BIPOC, and LGBTQIA+ folks. She is constantly navigating the intersections of my queer identity & religion/spirituality and very excited about helping poly and queer-identified partners to feel more secure in their relationships, communicate effectively and compassionately, and bridge any relevant cultural differences to have increased curiosity and enjoyment in their partnership.
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